Unproductive

I have been very unproductive recently. I found myself turning into someone useless and ... just not good. I am little scared of doing reflection lately as I am afriad too much of thinking will allow negativities to surround me or conquer me once again in my life which might result to another depression that I definitely DO NOT want to experience again.

Anyway, back to my unproductivity. Perhaps I have been worry too much, thinking too much and have too much fear within me. As a recocovering patient, I am glad that things are getting better where I don't worry too much or think too much. But, while casting away all my worries and fears, I started to realised there are so much things that I have to do are not done. Worries and fears have prevented me from doing them.

I used to be so courageous and always in high-spirit. Challenges and obstacles were never a problem to me. Believing that as long as I walk even one step further, I will eventually reach my goal. Like preparing my grade 8 solo piano examination. I have no fear or imagining and dreaming that I will pass my piano as long as I keep practising whenever I have time. And yes, I was busy with my university assignment and only will be able to be at home with my piano during the weekend. Within 3 months time, I managed to prepare all the repertoirs and passed my examination. It was something great! Something to be proud of. I dare to dream and I dare to face the obstacles.

And now, after the depression I had, I feel that I have been a weak person. Like a falling leave that can be easily blown away by a soft wind. Yes, I have been weak. I have been drifted away. No direction. No objective. No target or what-so-ever. Simply live a life like a normal person. Constantly reminding myself not to act stupid and be careful of the steps I take. It's funny that the more careful I am, the more dumb or stupid I will be. Also, I have been constantly reminding myself not to be too excited not too devasted. Whatever happened, just face it with a normal heart. It'll be easier, I guess. Or perhaps, I think this will be more secure. Happy it is, Sad it may be... guess that's life.

Of course, knowing that I have been weak is not enough. I must become stronger. I need to be productive. Need to be someone who can contribute. I can't be drifting away all my life. I must have a direction, an objective and something to achieve in life. I have been worry too much and that makes me weak! I know it take times to cast away all my worries and fears. I need to be patient. Step by step, bit by bit, I am sure I will come out of the darkness and soar into the big blue sky.